Guilt vs. Shame
The author and social researcher Brené Brown, in her book Men, Women & Worthiness–The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough, offers up the following difference between guilt and shame: While guilt is based on behavior (I did something bad, that I regret) shame makes you believe that you are a bad person, and you always will be–and therefore you don’t deserve anything good in life. Guilt, therefore, can be healthy. It can be a motivating factor for change (I don’t want to do that again). Shame, on the other hand, can never be healthy. It is the spark that ignites a raging wildfire of unworthiness that may lead to depression, addiction, and even suicide.
She goes on to stress that shame is gender driven. While women can become haunted by perfectionism in all areas of their life–all the while being expected to be thin and beautiful–male shame is driven by expectations to be financially prosperous, emotionally stoic, and dominating in all areas of life. Male shame was encapsulated by one of the men in her research claiming, “My wife and daughters would rather see me die than fall off of my white horse.” It came up repeatedly in Brown’s 12 years of research that although women often claim that they want their men to be vulnerable and share their feelings, when they do–they react with fear and judgement. This can have an instant reaction of shame in men, feeding off their conditioning (often learned from childhood sports) that they are supposed to be tough and not show emotion.
In fact, most of the men in her study could point to an experience in childhood sports that negatively shaped their entire life perspective. I was reminded of an incident during my Little League Baseball career, when I was a 10-year-old second baseman that had a habit of not getting in front of ground balls–and instead caught them to the side of my body. After loudly berating me for my methods a few times, my coach completely stopped practice and outfitted me in full catcher’s gear at the second base position, loudly snarling, “There, now you don’t have to be so scared of the ball!,” as I melted with shame inside. The clear message: Don’t ever show you’re scared, be tough, and even if you get hurt–don’t show that you are in pain. I used to think that was humiliating. However, Brown also points out that humiliation is when you feel that you’ve been treated wrongly, and that you didn’t deserve it. Shame is when you completely internalize the experience, and actually believe that you deserve to be treated that way–because the truth is: you are scared, and you are a failure.
Brown goes on to stress that these attitudes are completely learned behaviors. It is not natural to feel shame. Unfortunately, coaches of childhood sports are not often enlightened practitioners of developmental psychology. We learn that we should be tough, perform well in order to achieve accolades, and really be good at everything if we want to feel the warm embrace of success. Kids rarely receive the message that trying their best is good enough, despite the outcome. This pattern is often inadvertently supported by parents, whose love is often conditional (we receive love and praise if we achieve something) instead of unconditional (who we are is good enough).
For instance, to add to my Little League trauma, I was one of these kids who got up to bat and swung at the ball with such voracity that I would have hit a home run every time, had I ever connected with the ball. I was often so angry at striking out instead, that I threw my helmet and bat in a fit of rage. My mother would react in horror at my behavior, shaming me for my temper–and even declaring that she would no longer come to see my games because she was so embarrassed and appalled at my behavior. It is only now that I am reading Brown’s book that I realize that it was my mother that taught me this pattern of behavior. I had to perform and achieve in order to receive love and accolades. Playing for such high stakes was a disaster for me, and fertile ground for shame to grow in.
When I submit to this old conditioning, my life is a series of failures and mistakes that lead to one thing: shame. The only way out is empathy, as Brown describes. Only by recognizing the old, learned patterns and how they are working on me, and having empathy for myself, can I (literally) make it out alive. This includes assigning healthy guilt to instances where I made mistakes and hurt people–and giving myself credit for learning from those experiences and allowing them to motivate me to be a better man today.
By distinguishing between healthy guilt and very unhealthy shame, we can all be freed up to experience life anew. Breaking free of learned behaviors and attitudes gives us a shot at living a good life.
Until next time
Scott and Lennart