“Never discuss politics or religion at a dinner party.” Perhaps it’s because people are very passionate about these topics, and those that don’t have good containment and emotional regulation skills can become hot headed extremely quickly. When this happens, the cozy vibe of the dinner party goes up in flames. It seems that people have lost the valuable skill of keeping some things to themselves. If we take the analogy of a cozy dinner party to the level of social media, one can easily recognize SoMe users that lack containment and emotional regulation skills.
Psychology Today has named this “The Age of Emotional Spillage.” Somewhere along the line in the development of social media, the emotional spillage of reactivity and emotionally charged interactions have become a widely championed phenomenon. The cozy dinner party has gone up in flames.
Since the dinner party is already ruined, let’s take a look at the topic of US politics. No matter where politicians fall along the spectrum of left to right, it’s easy to identify a lack of containment and emotional regulation. Public figures rush to certainty before facts are clear. Instant reactions pile up before anyone knows the full story. This kind of reactive behavior—whether in high-profile situations or in our personal lives—tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Most of the population seems to champion this fiery headed reactivity in their favorite politician. Perhaps people would reconsider this lauded attribute if they realized that what they’re seeing is an immature child that never learned containment and emotional regulation skills from their parents.
At the individual level, a quick scan of social media platforms finds frequent posts of people sharing every aspect of their personal lives— from medical and psychological issues, to romantic relationships, to their feelings on any number of deeply personal topics.
However, psychological research into this phenomenon has found that most people feel worse after this kind of emotional spillage. It leaves one feeling overly vulnerable and judgmental towards oneself that they have overshared.
So, what is there to do about it? How do we reverse the tide of The Age of Emotional Spillage? The answer lies in inserting a pause before reacting emotionally. But it is easier said than done. It takes real therapeutic work.
A therapist acts as a stable container for the client's emotional dysregulation. In moments of panic and reactivity, the client "borrows" the therapist's calm nervous system, allowing them to feel safe enough to process the experience. Over time, the client learns the skill of doing this in their lives outside of the therapeutical environment.
Psychology Today has put together a great list of reminders to avoid emotional spillage:
Not every emotional swing needs an audience.
Not every frustration requires a post.
Not every hurt demands immediate broadcasting.
Some things are for public consumption.
Some things are for therapy.
Some are for a best friend.
And some, honestly, are just for you to sit with quietly until you can effectively contain your emotions.
In conclusion, we live in a world that seems to champion reactivity and emotional spillage—and our personal experience with it mostly leaves us feeling horrible. However, it could be said that “The pause is mightier than the sword,” when it comes to our own well-being. Try to take the above mantras and use them in your lives. It may be the beginning of feeling better and better about yourselves.
Until next time,
Scott and Lennart